Dear Conch Charters

To Whom It May Concern,

We are still planning to return the boat tomorrow but in light of everything that is happened, we thought we ought to give you a heads up before our arrival in the morning.

As I am sure you are aware, things can happen when you charter a boat.  I’m sure you’ve heard your share of stories.  And so it was with us.  Stuff happened.

It started with Tom tweaking his back.  Now, we don’t think you bare any responsibility but if you would kindly arrange for a stretcher to be at the dock tomorrow morning that would be dandy.  He hasn’t been walking very good.  So, almost everyday we threw him overboard and let him hang from a rope on the bow so he could stretch his back out.  He was really coming around but then he got frisky and tried to clean up some berry juice on his hands and knees.  That set him back and he was really suffering even with the bottle of Alleve and everyone’s valium on board until he discovered that if he rested his head at the foot of the bed rather than the head, he could grab the open hatch rim and pull himself up.  Of course, the rim was broken in this endeavor, but, I am sure under the circumstances you will let that one go.  The berry juice, incidentally, was scrubbed up by Pat but it only stained a bit and because we saw other stains on the salon floor, we can only assume that you will consider this average wear and tear.

We would like to suggest that you get a gauge for the water tanks.  They caused us a great deal of inconvenience and, and dare I say, pain.  Most of that centered around the Assassin/Dave/purser/Ray.  He was showering one evening and the water ran out.  There he was in the delicate position of having to yell for help in the nude and wait until a remedy could be put in place.  Being sensitized by the knowledge that you can actually run out of water, he was forever running toward to bow to check the water levels.  Then he would run back and report the status to the crew-in-waiting so they could deliberate for an hour or so before deciding whether more water was needed today, tomorrow, this port or that port.  But I digress.  Today he hit his fourth toe (this little piggy has none) and literally bled like a stuffed pig.  There was blood on the bow, blood on the stern, blood on the side decks.  Band-aids were applied.  It’s a good thing Pat brought an emergency kit with gauze etc., or you might have a suit on your hands.  You really do need to provide a water gauge.  By the way, we went to great lengths to clean up the blood.  Hopefully, we got it all.

We thought you should know that the small bits of blood on the wall of forward cabin port side, are what are left of the mosquitos we had to kill.  I mean, really, it would be quite helpful if you would spray for bugs.  On that side of the boat, there was a mosquito killing of 5 or more each night once the Assassin figured out where they were hiding out.  Now, given that most other passengers had less incidences, we can only assume you may have forgotten to spray that area.  He even got mosquito blood on his Tilley because he used it to swat at them.  We certainly hope the blood comes out.

One other area of concern is the slippery nature of the floors.  The Assassin slipped last night as he was rushing downstairs to gather up the wind scoop when his left leg flew up the air and he came down hard on his right knee after performing a half gainer on the way down in the space of let’s say, a cardboard box you may have received a small floor lamp in.  The only thing the crew knew of this gymnist maneuver was a scream they heard from the writer of this epistle.  Having witnessed this fall, the writer got a case of the vapors and had sit down to re-group (there may have been wine involved in her recovery).  Much Alleve was administered along with an ice pack and now that he has separated his nail from the cuticle of his fourth toe of his right foot, his knee is not hurting as much.  But really, this accident could have been avoided and we are holding you personally responsible because of the unsafe floors.   Also, if you could arrange a taxi to the Bougainvillea Medical Center, we would like to go there for first aid on our way to the airport along with more Alleve, Advil, motrin, iodine, and a steroid shot or two.

So, you can see there is enough fault to go around.  So we’re just thinking that when we bring the boat back, you hold us harmless and we’ll hold you harmless and we’ll all part friends.

See you tomorrow.


Communications Officer and Anchor Light Lighter – Caty Wampus

Just thought I would poke a bit of fun at Ray and Tom.  There were exaggerations, I took literary license.  But, if you pardon the pun, you get the drift.

Today we went to see the Rhone, a sunken ship off Cooper Island.  The water was a bit rough and Ray and I were the only snorkelers.  It was beautiful.  The coral was in better shape.  Then we motored to Cooper Island mooring field and tied up just before the rain came.  And we can’t forget Deliverance.  There is a boat here named Deliverance.  They have cinnamon rolls, brownies, fruit, ice, ice cream.  They’ll take your garbage.  What a great business.  We all stood in the rain visiting with the two guys at the helm.  We even bought a bottle of wine for before dinner cocktails.

We have done a remarkable job of using just about every single thing we bought.  Lunch today consisted of crackers, spreads made with cream cheese and ranch dressing, cream cheese and chipotle sauce, three apples, some chips, jalapinos of the pickled variety, lettuce, slices of lunch meat, zucchini, yogurt.  The only thing we had left was some cookies that weren’t very good, some couscous, some rice, and a couple of cans of diced tomatoes.

After Deliverance left, we had added some brownies, cinnamon rolls, three bananas, a bag of ice and a bottle of wine.  We’ll polish all those things off by tomorrow morning.

Oh, I forgot to mention that we went shopping today.  Bought some really cool t-shirts and Ray found an appetizer plate and bowls that all match.  I didn’t get to see them because I was being undecided about what t-shirt I wanted so he just picked them out and the lady wrapped them up for travel…and well, I’m sure they are fabulous.

One more night.  Yippee.  We’re all fantasizing about clean sheets, towels, air conditioning, a long, long shower, toilets that flush without priming them.  It’s time!!m

Leave Comment